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I realize
Angel wing

You know its one thing to live in denial it's another to know and choose to do nothing about it. The fact I realize that sometimes my moods pivot on the ledge based on my sense or freedom. As freedom and privacy are two extremely important things to me it's hard for me right now. My car being all smashed up and nothing I can do about it. I might consider calling someone about possibly fixing it. there is a repair shoppe down the street maybe they can do something about it. But will I feel comfortable let alone safe in that vehicle again? Once i pay for the car to be fixed it still needs new tires less the accident will happen all over again. The car kept telling me hey its getting slippery you should get me fixed and I kept telling myself next paycheck finally as I have the damn thing in my hands I crash the car. My own ignorance. And I will beat myself up over this. I always do, I beat myself up every time I make a mistake. I know and understand why, it's because of instinct. I have all of my life been told when i screw up and it's something my parents never let things down. You make one mistake it follows you through the rest of your life till you make a bigger mistake and if your siblings haven't done anything nearly as terrible in the last year you are to be compared. Well, without their echoing jabs I have to do it myself. Why? Why, do I choose to suffer such a pain staking awkward ritual? Because without it I feel something is missing, like I am not actively trying to improve myself. Does this make me a bad person? I don't believe so, if you find yourself constantly striving to become better then there is nothing wrong with you. 
One day when all of this passes and i am finally able to be happy and feel like I have done something productive it will be nice to know that i pushed myself to get here. It's like when people tell me that it's okay to ask for help. In your world perhaps but I am a grown woman and I can certainly take care of myself and especially when I landed myself into the predicament I can handle it. For example I have been biking to and from work this week due to my car being smashed. Is this a problem. no, its a bit drizzly and a bit wet but you know what it serves me right. Maybe next time when my tires are begging to be replaced I will listen instead of deluding myself that they can wait. Besides it gets me into better shape. the better shape i am in the better. Plus i have an excuse to finally listen to my iPod. Since the tape adapter went out on the car last week. 
Also another thing I need to consider is that I trust car's more than I should.  I certain over estimate the braking distance and I keep forgetting how fragile I am. I haven't taken good care of myself, I always put my care behind everyone else and now I need to start inverting my attention towards myself. Getting myself to a place where i can be happy, I don't like the way I look, i don't like the way I think, and I don't like how I am constantly stressed out. nothing ever fits me either. It's really bothersome. 

I am also disappointed in myself because my father needs me. I was managing his business which required me to make a weekly commute to fill out reports and bills. But instead I am dealing with having no transportation. I would take a bus but apparently that takes 8 hrs just to get there one way. It's ridiculous. Plus I have no one on the other side of bridge to drive me around anyways and my father lives in a remote area. Oh so happy my family is full of hill people *grumble*

I am a lady, I like to think I am classy, original and unique. And there is a difference between those last two. You can be original but not unique. Unique means it captures attention. People do original things all the time that never get noticed. Crazy to think about it huh? 

Well enough ranting for me. My puppies want my attention. 


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